hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
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Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
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Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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