Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
