You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
