I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
