non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
