I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
