I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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