Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
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My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
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I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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