The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize