The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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