good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
