i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
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She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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