Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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