Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
