OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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