I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
