I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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