so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
