What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Randomize
