Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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