dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
