Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
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