I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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