Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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