Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
