There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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