Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
