Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
