just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
