Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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