Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
