You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
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I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
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Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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