I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
