I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
