I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
i've created a new STD.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
