I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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