I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
