me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
