you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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