Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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