Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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