I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
