She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
