Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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