I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
