His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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