My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Life is so much better after having sex.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
