I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
