I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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