saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
