i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Randomize
