We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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