guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
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i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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