Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
