Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
