Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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