what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
