Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
