he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize