"it" just moved
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
