Someone shit on the floor
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
