I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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