I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
