some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
apparently the secret to your success is patron
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
