I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
